To pee or not pee; that is the question.

Last week I was talking to two of my good friends who are both in different stages of their fertility journeys. One was preparing for her first IVF transfer and the other was in the midst of testing to get ready for an IUI cycle. Though they are experiencing two different things, there was one specific thing they both reached out to me to talk about.

Your initial thought might be that they both were concerned about the physical and emotional stress this was all causing; or their anxiety over how uncomfortable or painful their procedures and injections might be. Of course, those are a given. If you’ve even dipped your toe into the infertility pool, you know those are some of the first things that cause panic.

But, this time it was something else. Both of these women texted me something along the lines of, “Why do we have to have a full fucking bladder for every single procedure?”

We get so used to having to drink 9,000 ounces of water prior to every test, IUI or transfer that we forget how fucking weird it is. On top of it, tying to stay relaxed while your bladder feels like it’s going to explode is a tall order.

Have you ever played the drinking game “Edward 40 Hands”? I played it a few times in college, unsuccessfully, and it’s the closet experience I’ve had to peeing myself as an adult. If you haven’t played it or heard of it, good for you; you are much classier than I am. Allow me to explain the concept.

Edward 40 Hands is a drinking game where you have a 40 oz of malt liquor taped to each hand. You’re supposed to finish both 40’s before taking them off (breaking one or having someone take it off for you) and then you can pee. I’ve never even made it through one before using my legs to rip it off and running to the bathroom.

Fertility testing and procedures feel just like playing that game. The only difference is while you’re doing everything in your power not to pee, there are catheters and ultrasound wands being put inside of you, creating more pressure on your bladder that is barely holding on by a thread. Oh, and you won’t be drunk off your ass when it’s over.

If you’ve read my blog post from 2019, “In the animal world I own that resident,” you know that I will forever be haunted by the fact that I peed on an unsuspecting doctor during on of these full bladder tests.

So why the full bladder? Apparently having a full bladder helps the angle between your cervix and your uterus, causing your uterus to become more horizontal and making it easier to place the catheter exactly where it needs to be. It also lifts the bladder so that they’re able to see your uterus more clearly during testing and procedures.

Okay, so you’ve successfully made it through your IUI or transfer without urinating on yourself or anyone around you. Congratulations, you’re almost a winner. It’s time for the bonus round. Now you must wait 15-30 minutes before emptying your bladder. Try not to think about how badly you have to pee and do your best to relax, but don’t relax too much unless you’re trying to give yourself a golden shower.

When it’s finally time to relieve yourself, the force of that pee could take out a small village. A friend of mine was convinced she peed her daughter out after her IUI, which of course she didn’t, but she genuinely thought there might be a chance due to the unnatural velocity during that trip to the bathroom.

When we’re going through all of this shit to get pregnant, we rarely pause to think, “This is so fucking weird.” We’re so used to injecting ourselves with hormones, putting everything under the sun up our vaginas, that holding a full bladder for an insane amount of time seems like a completely normal task.

None of it is normal. And none of it is easy. But, I hope you take comfort in knowing that if you ever pee on a team of physicians, you are not alone.