I can no longer see my vagina.
No matter which way I contort my body in the shower, I cannot get any sort of glimpse of what the status is down there. I’ve been blindly shaving, which has been mediocre, at best.
The other night I wanted to make sure everything was smooth and groomed down under, so I decided to trust my instincts and do the old “feel around” method. I’ve been shaving everything since I was 16 years old, so at this point I know my way around my hoo-ha.
Now, for any of you who groom yourselves, you know that you have to be limber enough to get every angle. Luckily, I’m flexible enough to make sure there’s not one hair left behind. This is something I pride myself on. (I have very few talents, so just let me have this one.)
But, things get a little tricky when you throw on 35 lbs. and a giant belly, that is now so hard it’s impossible to lift or maneuver out of the way. I can barely paint my toenails at this point, let alone lift my leg up high enough for a proper grooming.
So, I decided to brave the conditions, and make sure everything was on point.
At first, it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it’d be. I was pretty happy with my work. But then, the worst case scenario occurred. I slipped. I slipped and cut myself…bad.
I JUMPED out of the shower, screaming. I’m going to spare you the details. But you can imagine, it wasn’t pretty.
That’s when I decided I can no longer groom myself. However, I cannot. no matter what, let my shit go. I’ll pack on the pounds. I’ll live in yoga pants and no makeup. But, not grooming is where I draw the line.
I think it’s time to make an appointment to get waxed. Now, I’ve had bikini waxes in the past. I’ve had my entire face lasered. I’ve had my eyebrows waxed for years. And one thing I know for certain is that it hurts more when you have your period. The hormones go wild and make everything so much more sensitive. So I’ve purposely scheduled all hair removal, botox or any other semi painful procedure, around that time of the month.
So how does being pregnant affect the pain level of waxing? I’m so incredibly scared to find out, especially because I’ll be scheduling a Brazilian. That’s something I've never experienced, because I’ve been such a skilled shaver up until this point.
If anyone has had a Brazilian while pregnant, please email me and tell me what to expect. Because I am scared out of my mind.
My husband has kindly offered to shave for me. He is a barber and does this for a living. BUT, there’s just something about him being in charge of my hair removal that doesn’t seem too sexy. As pregnant as I am, I’d still really like for my husband to remain attracted to me.
He so lovingly reminded me that he witnessed child birth, so this would be nothing. But, I just don’t think I have it in me to allow him to shave me.So, I feel like my only option is to get waxed.
Because of my shaving mishap, instead of having a sexy evening with my husband on Valentine’s Day, he received a poem. I’ll leave you with my version of romance at this point.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I could see my vagina
I would have shaved it for you