My Top 12 Most Unhinged, Hormonal Moments

I’ve complied a list of the top twelve craziest things I did while on hormones; in order of kinda crazy to completely unhinged. Why top twelve instead of a classic top ten list? I’ve done so much wack shit while on hormones, it was difficult to even whittle the list down this much. Enjoy!

12. Overshared, while sobbing, to a cop who pulled me over about the hormones I was injecting and shoving up my vagina to get pregnant.

11. Backed my car into a telephone pole, while sobbing, because a holistic doctor asked me to shit in a bag. For the record, I did not shit in a bag. I did, however, decide never to go back to that doctor.

10. Tried the herbal route (aka weed) to calm my nerves, immediately became extremely paranoid and flushed the entire bag down the toilet.

9. Verbally assaulted a man in the doctor’s office waiting room for playing poker on his phone with the volume on.

8. Wrote a seething, irrational email about how I felt personally attacked by an article a reporter had written in a local paper. Oh, and I went to high school with the very nice woman who wrote it, so I had to apologize immediately after.

7. Laid on the airport floor, sobbing and alone, when my flight home from Nashville was cancelled. Picture a toddler tantrum in an adult body.

6. Laid on the sidewalk outside of my busy apartment complex after dropping my wine and spirits bag, shattering the wine I had just returned from buying. I had just found out my cycle didn’t work, so I truly didn’t care who had to walk around me.

5. Threatened to fist fight my elderly neighbor after he told me to move my car. I miiight have also threatened to rip his American flag off his front porch, but let’s pretend I just scared him with physical violence.

4. Tried to convince my husband to let me take in a baby deer as a pet. I had convinced myself that it was looking for its mother, and this was the universe telling me I needed to step into that role. I needed to adopt this deer and raise it as my own in our row house we were renting.

3. Snapped out on my husband for getting a stomach bug and ruining my day…I might have thrown a computer bag at his head while screaming something about him being the reason I don’t have friends?

2. Jumped out of a moving vehicle like I was Keanu Reeves in Speed. Why? Honestly, I think my husband looked at me or breathed too loudly.

1. Threw a rest stop hoagie at my husband’s face at a very busy truck stop, somewhere in Missouri. But, you know what they say, Missouri loves company. (I hate myself for making that joke, please don’t stop reading my blog.)